-Football for Breakfast

Fourth and Long:
Cracking Jokes in Dallas

by Joel 'DiG' DiGiacomo
Football for Breakfast
December 19, 2007

One of the things I've alway enjoyed about the NFL is that games don't always determine who the better team is as much as who the better team is on that day.

The NBA, NHL and MLB all take the approach that seven-game series is the true arbiter of who is better. Everyone gets to play at home in front of their fans. The weather is never a factor. And if it does rain, baseball will even postpone the game until the weather clears up.

But not football.

One game to crown a winner. And if it happens to be so foggy that you can't see the endzone, if it's raining so hard that the field turns into a quagmire or if it's a blizzard and 30 below zero, you still play the game.

The weather, the wind, and so many other factors impact the game. And impact who wins the game.

This weekend, we saw the Browns survive the Bills and the snow; the Patriots outlast the Nor'easter, the sleet and the Jets. The Seahawks weren't as fortunate with the winds of Carolina and surprisingly it was the Jaguars from sunny Florida who flourished in the snow of Pittsburgh.

Even the Cowboys felt the weight of inclimate weather as they lost to the Eagles.

The winds, the rains, the... oh, right. Weather wasn't a factor this weekend for the Cowboys. Nor was it a factor last week when they nearly stumbled against the Lions.

No, something else was at work.

The Cowboys had themselves a case of overconfidence.

Instead of focusing on the Eagles, a team that nearly knocked off the undefeated Patriots while starting a backup quarterback, the Cowboys seemed to be focusing on all the wrong things.

Tony Romo's latest celebrity girlfriend attending her first Cowboys's game. T.O. and other vocal Cowboys opining that the NFC East goes through Dallas and not Philadelphia. The prospect of going to the Super Bowl.

Surprised?

You shouldn't be. Look at Wade Phillips. Earlier in the week when asked by the press if he thought the Eagles were a good team, he answered after a long pause, "No, no they aren't."

The room erupted into laughter.

Funny line.

But not one that should be uttered by a head coach when your team is so consistently unfocused. When your owner is looking for a reason to replace you with your offensive coordinator before some other team hires him as their head coach.

And do you want to know what's even funnier than Wade Phillips' line?

Just two weeks ago after defeating the Green Bay Packers, the Cowboys were regarded as the team to beat in the NFC. A legitimate challenger for the Patriots in the Super Bowl. But now after a miraculous victory over the Lions and an ugly loss to the Eagles, suddenly the perception is that this is a team in crisis. Let's not forget, the pundits are saying, the Cowboys have collapsed every December for the past decade.

When you win, you are a team that has learned how to win close games. When you lose, suddenly every close win was lucky.

And if Wade Phillips isn't careful his 'Boys of destiny are going to become the ghosts of Decembers past.

And Jason Garrett will be the Cowboys coach come next season.

'Larry King' Ramblings

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me take a moment to offer hearty congratulations to the Miami Dolphins for winning their first game of the season. The NFL is a grueling sport and no team deserves to go through an entire season with the ignominy of not winning a single game. So kudos to Cam Cameron and the rest of the Dolphins organization.

As for the rest of the NFL, remember back in November when the Steelers were going to be the next challengers for the Patriots? How the Steelers and not the Colts were going to earn the first-round bye in the AFC?

Well, the Steelers are 2-3 in their last five games, losing to the Jets, the Patriots and on Sunday, the Jaguars. And now they find themselves tied with the Cleveland Browns for the AFC North and desperately needing a win to get into the playoffs.

All of a sudden, the Steelers next opponents, the Rams with Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson don't seem like a pushover. Suddenly the Ravens at home doesn't seem like such an automatic win.

That's what happens when you lose a couple of games in a row.

But come Thursday, when the Steelers walk out of St. Louis with a victory, suddenly everything will be okay. Mike Tomlin will be a genius again. And the Steelers will be two years removed from a world championship, not five weeks removed from a loss to the Jets.

'Heidi' Chronicles

The best NFL show you're not watching isn't on the NFL Network.

No, it's the venerable Inside the NFL on HBO.

Why aren't you watching it? Well, it's on HBO true, but even if you have premium cable, you've probably forgotten it's still on. And for some reason HBO airs it on Wednesday nights and that is last day someone would expect something new about the NFL.

Aside from this column, of course.

Bob Costas is at his best in this series which makes watching him on Football Night in America all the harder. Chris Collinsworth may be the best studio analyst around -- he's sharp, funny and not afraid to be controversial. Dan Marino is his usual polished self, but it's the genuine joking around on the show that makes him seem a little more personable than he is on the CBS. Chris Carter is terrific. He isn't afraid to call teams soft or challenge the big name athletes out there. He is such a refreshing breath of fresh air in a broadcast world where few feel comfortable speaking the truth as they see it.

This past week featured Carter and Collinsworth giving 'locker room speeches' to the Patriots and Jets respectively before their big game. Carter was great, but Collinsworth stole the show with a speech that would have made Lombardi proud.

And Inside the NFL boasts the best NFL highlights, period, taking advantage of the NFL Films' great camera work and voiceovers. But since the current voice of NFL Films also does the voiceover for the NFL Chunky Soup commericials, one is constantly expecting a segue to LaDainian Tomlinson's mom.

Playoffs?!? Don't Talk About Playoffs?!?

AFC Playoff Seeds
1) New England Patriots (14-0): The good news? Home-field advantage clinched throughout the playoffs. The bad news? Their offense isn't built for cold weather.
2) Indianapolis Colts (12-2): Colts get it done in Oakland, wrap up the AFC South and first-round bye.
3) San Diego Chargers (9-5): Chargers clinch AFC West and move ahead of the Steelers in the seedings.
4) Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5): Two losses in a row and the pressure is on the Steelers.
5) Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4): Jags finally win a big game. Could they be the darkhorse in the AFC?
6) Cleveland Browns (9-5): Browns find a way to win in the snow.

Still in the Hunt:
Tennessee Titans (8-6): Still alive, but just barely.

NFC Playoff Seeds
1) Dallas Cowboys (12-2): Suddenly the Cowboys look vulnerable.
2) Green Bay Packers (12-2): The Packers just keep winning, clinching a first-round bye. Can they steal home-field advantage from the Cowboys?
3) Seattle Seahawks (9-5): Unconscionable loss to the Panthers who started a rookie QB.
4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5): Impressive bounce-back win after losing to Texans last week.
5) New York Giants (9-5): Giants need to beat the Bills on the road to clinch a wild card.
6) Minnesota Vikings (8-6): Always nice to get the win, but the Vikings need to play better if they want to hold onto the final playoff spot.

Still in the Hunt:
New Orleans Saints (7-7): Back to .500 again.
Washington Redskins (7-7): Nice win. Vikings up next.

'John Madden' Wayback Machine

Brett Favre is simply amazing.

While I expected him to break 60,000 passing yards this season, I didn't believe he could overtake Dan Marino as the all-time passing yardsage leader before the end of the season. I mean, Favre was on the downside of his career, throwing more interceptions than touchdowns the past two seasons and sporting a 71.8 quarterback rating over the same period. This was another case of a great player hanging on for too long.

Well, pass Dan Marino he did on Sunday. Favre has thrown for almost 4,000 yards in only 14 games this season with 26 touchdowns against 13 interceptions and a quarterback rating of 97.7, the second best rating of his career. This year alone, Favre has broken records for career wins, passing touchdowns, attempts, yardage and, unfortunately, interceptions.

I know I ran the all-time career passing yardage list not too long in this column, but re-running feels like the right thing to do especially since this might be the last major record left for Favre to break. And don't look now, but Peyton Manning has already jumped two spots to #9 since last time. If I am still doing this column six years from now, don't be surprised to see Manning at the top of this list.

1) Brett Favre (1991-Present) 61,405 yards, Falcons/Packers.
2) Dan Marino (1983-1999) 61,361 yards, Dolphins.
3) John Elway (1983-1998) 51,475 yards, Broncos.
4) Warren Moon (1984-2000) 49,325 yards, Oilers/Vikings/Seahawks/Chiefs with the first five years of his career playing for the Edmonton Eskimos of the CFL.
5) Fran Tarkenton (1962-1978) 47,003 yards, Vikings/Giants/Vikings.
6) Vinny Testaverde (1987-Present) 46,233 yards, Buccaneers/Browns/Ravens/Jets/Cowboys/Patriots/Panthers.
7) Drew Bledsoe (1993-2006) 44,611 yards, Patriots/Bills/Cowboys.
8) Dan Fouts (1973-1987) 43,040 yards, Chargers.
9) Peyton Manning (1998-Present) 40,944 yards, Colts.
10) Joe Montana (1979-1994) 40,551 yards, 49ers/Chiefs.
11) Johnny Unitas (1955-1973) 40,239 yards, Colts/Chargers.

Battle for Darren McFadden (or Colt Brennan or Whoever the #1 Pick Will Be)

#1 - Miami Dolphins (1-13): Dolphins finally get a much-deserved win.
#3 - Atlanta Falcons (3-11): This team is in an absolute freefall even without Petrino.
#4 - St. Louis Rams (3-11): Close game with the Packers for about a half.
#4 - New York Jets (3-11): The Jets played the Patriots really tough. Of course, they still don't have a quarterback.

This Website Stinks!

If you've never visited Awful Announcing, you are missing an engaging and irreverant blog devoted to sports broadcasting with a focus on the worst broadcasters and their biggest (and funniest) gaffes. With video from ESPN and YouTube, Awful Announcing always seems to highlight some unintended double entendre that is sure to make you laugh.

And Now for Something Completely Different...

The wonderful song 'To Morrow' courtesy of Jim Henson from season one of 'The Muppet Show.' This version features subtitles that make this curious song even more enjoyable.

Previously...

12/12: Famous Bartles & Jaymes commercial from 1987
12/05: Craig Ferguson's moving tribute to his father on The Late Late Show, January 30, 2006
11/28: Johnny Cash performing 'A Boy Named Sue' live at San Quentin State Prison in 1969
11/21: Leonard Nimoy singing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins on Malibu U, July 28, 1967
11/14: Fascinating optical illusions in people photographs
11/07: Most apropos for Halloween... ExtremePumpkins.com
10/31: Hysterically bad 'Questionable Impressions' from Whose Line Is It Anyway?
10/24: Funniest Frank Caliendo impersonation of John Madden from MadTV
10/17: Kevin Pollack's Shatner, Falk and Walken impressions on Late Show with David Letterman.
10/10: Shatner sings to Lucas at 2005 AFI Life Achievement Award: A Tribute to George Lucas
10/03: A final Nazi reference courtesy of Ricky Gervais, creator of The Office and Extras
09/26: German dictator roasts Don Rickles on the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast from 1970s
09/19: Carol Channing and Nazis hawking dessert products. I kid you not.

We'll see you all next time on Fourth and Long!

FOURTH AND LONG ARCHIVES
'Fourth and Long' on Football for Breakfast
12/26: Defending Those We Like
12/19: Cracking Jokes in Dallas
12/12: Headlines You May Never See
12/05: The NFL in December
11/28: Mud and the Blood and the Beer
11/21: Any Given Sunday
11/14: Playoffs?!? Don't Talk About Playoffs?!?
11/07: Long Live the King
10/31: The Forgotten Team
10/24: In Pursuit of Patriot Perfection
10/17: Vitriol and the Dallas Cowboys
10/10: Schadenfreude
10/03: Bad Karma in San Diego
09/26: McNabb's Failure to Communicate
09/19: Stealing Signals
09/12: This Website Stinks!